I am a veteran registered nurse. I also stole narcotics from my hospital and my patients. Before you judge me, it took a lot of courage to write this letter to the editor to try and reach out to other affected nurses before their licenses are lost, or worse, before the drugs kill them.
About 5 years ago, I was stricken with horrific abdominal pain. The multitude of doctors, including specialists, did all of the routine tests, but could not isolate the source of my pain. I was “branded” a drug seeker, an addict, and not thought worth anyone's time. I was sent to a psychiatrist to see whether my pain was truly physical.
Finally, one day when I was considering suicide, I made a decision I was ashamed of, but I could not find anyone to address my pain. It is important for all nurses to remember that just because you cannot “see” a patient's pain, it does not mean it is not there.
I started finding ways to steal narcotics to put a dent in my pain. I would pick up a syringe filled with a narcotic, inject half of it into a sterile syringe and use it at home. Sometimes I would take an entire syringe of narcotic, fill another syringe with water, and waste it in front of a colleague. I also concealed narcotic tablets in my clothing and substituted plain acetaminophen for my patients.
The reason I am coming forward is to alert management to some of these ways to obtain narcotics to help improve security related to narcotic dispensing and administration.
I basically hit rock bottom, saw the gates of hell, and thanked God I was never caught. I traveled over 2000 miles to see a surgeon, who did an exploratory laperotomy and found a large tumor wrapped around the back of my intestines. It was removed successfully and I am now in remission.
For those of you who are abusing drugs, I pray you find a way to get help before it goes too far. The disease of drug abuse is more far reaching than anyone believes. It has spread to pharmacists, paramedics, and even police. No one is immune. Most are afraid of repercussions such as job loss, humiliation, and mental anguish. I live constantly with the anguish of hurting my patients. I can only hope that if you are abusing medications, you seek help before it is too late.—Name withheld per request
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